You’re Fired, Part 2

Sorry for the delay. My Internet went down last night. It’s back now.

Let’s recap. Last week I talked about how I had been stalled/fired by a client for the first time. A few things I would like to clarify, for those more fond of jumping to conclusions.

When I said that I thought one response to my client’s statement but then said something else, I did not mean to imply that I hid my true feelings from him. Dishonesty is not self-leadership. I did state very clearly to my client that I thought his decision to postpone our next session was overconfident and premature. That part of the conversation was just a bit longer than we had post for, and it wasn’t directly relevant. The point I was trying to make in the previous post was that he made a decision I disagreed with. Over-sharing all the details of the back-and-forth was not necessary.

Also, he may not have been wrong to postpone our next two sessions. Time will tell. I’m open to being wrong (- don’t roll your eyes like that). A part of me actually hopes I’m wrong, because I will learn even more from this situation and relationship than I already feel I have. It’s all part of the classroom of life.

I said that I would tell you more of what I realized as a result of this situation. The nutshell version is that I have had to acknowledge my own passivity in the relationship, and my lack of clarity around when I act as a coach (leader) and when I acquiesce to the direction the client is headed (follower). I know no one is perfect, (-again with the eye-rolling, really), but I grieve that my lack of awareness about this dynamic has caused confusion for clients in the past, and perhaps even compromised the end result. I am also full of gratitude that this recent scenario has brought this tension to life in a way I could finally see it for what it is, and take steps to address it.

What follows is a summation of what I wish I’d clarified overall (with this client and others), from the beginning. It also includes some elements I wish I had followed up on, with this client and others, at certain points in our conversations. I’ve now framed it as part of my typical DTR with a new client, to be said in our introductory call or soon thereafter.

Dear New Client:

I’m more excited than I can say to begin this adventure with you. I’m confident we’ll accomplish a ton and ultimately get you where you want to go. In addition to what I’ve shared with you already about my particular approach and process, I’d also like to establish a few more specific things directly, right from the start.

As you know, I am all about self-leadership. What that looks like can be different in different situations, but what it means is that you feel fully released and powerful about making decisions for your life. It means that through our work, you come to know yourself on a deep level and are able to identify what you really want, as opposed to what you think you want or what you should want but don’t. We will do a lot of work around self-determination and identity, to help you get to the heart of these things within yourself.

This won’t always feel good. Sometimes it will be downright painful. There will be days when you want to press pause, take a knee, come back when you’re rested or feel you have the energy. Or the money. Or any resources at all. There will definitely be days when you will want to stop, when you need to interrupt the process for your own good.

But you are resolving now to live into the future you want for yourself, and that future is worth it. Whether you feel fantastic and on top of the world, or whether you feel like something the dog hacked up, I will walk with you. I won’t give up until we get you where you ultimately want to go. Please don’t give up on yourself.

From this moment on, I reserve the right to call you out on phoning it in. It will be hard for both of us in the moment; our subconscious struggles to nuance fear and anger, especially under pressure. Self-protection is hard-wired. I can promise you that the conversation will get awkward. If you’re on the phone, you’ll wish the call would get cut off. If I’m on the phone, I will close my eyes and scrunch my nose. If we’re in person. we’ll both look anywhere but at each other.

But here’s what I know: I know we’ll get through it. We will come through the other side together. You are known and not alone, and moments like these are like Popeye’s spinach for your soul; you’ll grow exponentially more from that interaction than you will from 100 more typical and safe conversations. And, that’s what I want for you. For us. Growth into who we are made to be.

I’m so glad to work with you. What are your thoughts in response to what I’ve said?

Lead Your Life.

You’re Fired, Part 1

A few months ago, I got fired by a client. I know this happens a lot, but for me it was the first time.

Okay, he didn’t exactly fire me. He stalled me.

He said something like: “I need to postpone our next session for a few months. Hope that’s okay. Sorry for the change. I just feel like I need to make a few decisions.”

I responded that it was more than okay, that I am here to support and celebrate his self-leadership, and if that looks like him leading himself away from coaching, then I applaud that as much as I applaud anyone leading themselves away from any situation that they aren’t convinced is in their own best interest.

As a champion of self-leadership, I could hardly blame the client for making this decision. He was exercising his own self-leadership in ending (or pausing) this relationship; and since I profess that one of my own goals with each client is to “work myself out of a job,” he was actually doing exactly what my efforts are designed to accomplish.

So why didn’t I respond to his declaration with a round of applause? Why wasn’t his decision immediately followed by me jumping up to offer him a fist bump? What was holding me back?

Here’s the (other) truth, people:

I’m just not that good.

I mean, seriously. The reasons he had picked the 5 session package rather than the 3 session package still existed, and just because we feel excited and like momentum is growing on our path to self-leadership doesn’t necessarily mean we are ready to throw off the training wheels.

It was too soon. There was still a lot to sort through, and he was telling me this at the end of the third of 5 sessions.  We had already done a decent amount of clarifying work and gotten started on quite a few goals; enough to feel like a substantial amount of progress had indeed been made.

The giddiness of initial success inevitably gives way to the nitty-gritty of real change, and that’s when you need a support system and a plan more than ever. I’ve been in this business a long time, and I love the first blush of transformation as much as anyone, but I’m also seasoned enough to know that there is more to growth than a good track record.

Setbacks are not simply an unavoidable part of the process.

They are essential to it.

So, I said that I respected his decision, and that his two sessions would remain “banked” until he decided he wanted to use them.

What I thought was: “Big mistake. Huge. But, yours to make.”

What I also thought, but didn’t say out loud, was “Hmmm. Interesting choice of words….that you ‘need to make a few decisions.’ Typically, people hire me to help them make decisions.”

This was a clear indication of a problem.

And, it wasn’t the first sign that our relationship had some deeper inconsistencies. Upon further reflection, I concluded that there are quite a few things I would have done differently with this client from the beginning, and that I will do differently with clients in the future. I’ll tell you about those specific things next week.

For now, I want to state for the record that it’s typical to have some regrets about choices made in the midst of sessions–information I didn’t follow up on, questions I didn’t ask. But I’ve come to accept that this situation was symptomatic of something deeper in my moxy– my pattern of making assumptions in relationships, pretty much right from the start. I’m still examining why I made the choices I did, and I’ll talk more about that next week as I continue to extract the learning from this experience. But I can assure you that I am already acting on some of the realizations I’ve had about ways I failed this client, and possibly others.

All relationships are mirrors, and we lead ourselves best when we look ourselves in the face and act on what we see.

Once we do that, we become increasingly self aware and powerful. Start examining your own assumptions, and watch what happens next.

Lead Your Life.

Going Behind The Curtain

Many of you who read this blog are my clients; others of you do a bit of a double-take when I reference clients, like I did last week. Maybe you think I have an active fantasy life with lots of imaginary pals. I wish.

I thought for those of you who may wonder what exactly it is I do when people hire me as a leadership coach, I’d give you a glimpse inside that world of one-on-one personal coaching. If you prefer to live in ignorance and not mess with the mystery, I can respect that. Stop reading now and see you next week.

When I coach you, there’s a lot of stuff that happens at the beginning of our relationship, and then of course stuff that happens at the end — not a lot of that because I HATE goodbyes so I have gotten awesome at avoiding them.

But in the middle of our relationship, after we’ve had the DTR and we’re not yet hyperventilating about separation (okay that’s more me than you), we have calls or Skypes or coffees or meals or walks, and we talk. Our conversation lasts as long or as short as it needs to. You have my undivided attention, unless I’m driving, and I try not to do that when we’re talking. And, I ask you the following questions. I don’t use these exact words, but the order and flow is pretty much consistent.*

* What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about right now?

* Tell me more about that. What’s going on with it that makes it critical to you today?

* How (else) is this currently affecting you? Who or what else is being impacted? How does that relate to this, which we talked about last time? (I usually ask this question about 3 different times, in different ways. It’s always enlightening to see how far -reaching the impact of one issue or scenario can be.)

* What will happen if you do nothing about this? Tell me the implications of nothing changing with this situation.  Imagine it is a year from now, and this comes up again. What is likely to have happened between now and then?

I usually take a deep breath before I ask the next question. You know it’s coming, so you’re prepared. I ask it every time, but I care very much about creating a safe and non-threatening space for you to process and grow. So I make sure I don’t sound like your mom or your judge or your own critical inner voice when I ask:

*How have you helped create the current situation?

Typically, you know the question is coming, and you’ve thought about it a bit, so you’re careful not to sound defensive. Your answer is either a superficial one that you think sounds like something a good student of self-leadership would say “I avoided having the hard conversation when my feelings first came up;” or you tell me you honestly don’t know because your mom/boss/boyfriend just did this thing that had nothing to do with you/came out of the blue/is totally the opposite of anything you ever intended or wanted. So then I say:

* If you had to guess at your involvement, even if it’s just what did they think you would do/say in this scenario, or maybe backing up to earlier in your relationship or process, before this latest issue– is there any way you can think of where you may have communicated or not communicated something, either intentionally or not? Can you imagine any world in which someone could have believed differently about you or about this issue? Do believe that you have any part in that at all?

We usually take a while with that. It’s kind of the dig-down-deep into your self-leadership part of the whole deal. Next, I ask:

* What is the ideal outcome for you now? (This is known in counseling circles as “The Magic Question.” The relief is palpable when we get to here. It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel finally begins to shine upon your face.) Describe it to me, as specifically as possible. How will it feel to wake up in the morning, the day after this is resolved? What will you do first? Second? Tell me about the difference this outcome will make in your life. When you think about that difference, how do you feel?

* With that in mind, what’s the most potent step you can take to begin to resolve this issue? Knowing what you know now, what is your responsibility here? What exactly are you committed to do, and when will you do it?

There you have it. It’s not curing cancer, but it’s way better than the alternative.

I thought about including a sample from a client, so you could see us go through an issue step-by-step, but this post is already pretty long and dense. Let me know if you think it would be helpful to see it unfold with the questions in real time, though, and I might do that for a later post.

For now, feel free to insert your own issue into the process I describe above. Maybe it’s your grouchy neighbor who complains about you to the landlord 5 times a day when you’re not even home. Or a family member who has no respect for your boundaries or privacy. Perhaps a co-worker that makes you throw up a bit in your mouth every time you see him or her.

It could be a longing that has gone unfulfilled for years now, and you wonder when or if you will ever be able to pray and hope for something else. Maybe it’s a wound that hasn’t healed, or a question that remains unanswered. Something that is either preventing you from getting where you need to go, or a destination you desire to reach but are realizing you need a map, if not a guide, to help you get there.

Whatever it is, when you face it, I’m there facing it with you. The moment you find yourself in need of greater insight, shrewdness, or courage, I’m all in. So you can be known and not alone.

Can’t wait for our next conversation.

Lead Your Life.

*Adapted from “Fierce Conversations,” by Susan Scott

SWIM*

I was talking to a client the other day about her focus. She is putting together a plan to go out on her own as a writer, and right now she’s feeling pretty scattered.

Like many others in her situation, she’s doing a lot of work for free; trying to put it out in front of people who might be interested. She’s gigging it nights, weekends, lunch hours, early mornings- she’ll do a guest post here, edit a collection there, judge a contest, write a piece for a new e-zine or that other new website right up her genre.

She says to me: “I need to decide which of these things I’m going to do, because doing so much is making me really busy. I know that not all of them will lead me to where I want to go. I’ve got to sit down and prioritize what I’m going to do and what I’m not going to do.”

My response was one simple question: Why?

I get that you’re busy. I understand that you’re tired. I totally see you feeling overextended and distracted.

But, I don’t think that necessarily means you’re doing anything wrong.

I don’t know that the state of your calendar alone convinces me that you have a problem that needs to be fixed.

Then I suggested: “What if we think about this a different way? What if, instead of seeing all these elements of your life and schedule as competing pieces, what if you saw them as complementary?”

What if you viewed “You: Writing” as a big pool of water, and each commitment that you’re involved in for it is like one fish in the whole pond of purpose?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having several fish swimming around the pond at one time, as long as there is plenty of food and no one is in danger or needing to be rescued.

Of course, if too many fish/commitments demand attention at one time, things can get rough. That’s dangerous and leads easily to burnout. Or a tidal wave, depending on the state of your filtration system. I don’t mean to minimize the feeling of  barely keeping your head above water that comes with operating at maximum capacity. You never want to overcrowd the tank.

But hanging out and swimming around is what fish do—they’re not impatiently waiting on you to get with the program and start teaching them flashy tricks or to buy some better coral or one of those cool castle-like-looking accessories before they can really hit their stride. It’s their job to move around through the pool, causing ripples and affecting decisions that previously may have seemed simple. Stirring up questions that lead more towards risky choices than easy answers. Agitating the waters.

The pressure that you are putting on yourself is coming from you, not your ideas. Remember the difference. You are not your ambition—you can interact with and address your goals and dreams as entities separate from you, and you can decide how much or how little power you give them.

Again, I’m no fan of overcommitment. I’m just saying it might be worth examining whether activities that you previously thought were mutually exclusive actually are. What if it turns out that you get more energy from cross-contributing than you lose?

As long as everyone is eating well and staying afloat, then why not rejoice at the many exciting opportunities that have been put before you?

Think of all the people who would love to have a chance at the things you have on your plate right now. Allow yourself to enjoy the rush of adrenalin that comes with the pressure to perform well. Lean in to the drama and intrigue of how these situations will unfold and grow. Be ready to take the next step, if necessary, to show that this is more than just your side-hustle; this is your passion.  This is what wakes you up in the morning, and in the middle of the night.

My client may not feel less stressed, but as I said near the end of our conversation: “The goal here is not for you to feel comfortable. The goal is for you to move forward, towards the future you want for yourself.”

Don’t limit the possibilities too soon.

Just keep swimming….and lead your life.

*This post was inspired by the song “Swim”, by Jack’s Mannequin.

Shame On Me

“Shame- the less you talk about it, the more you have it.” -Dr. Brene Brown

Deepest apologies for missing last week. I was traveling, and then a bunch of jazz hit the fan at home with my family. Not related to the travel, but boy it sucks to be two plane flights away when one of your children has a fever of 101 and the other thinks he just lost his best friend at school. Welcome to modern motherhood.

The stuff with my older son, about his friend, hit a particularly acute chord in me. At first it was because he was acting out at school and we had no idea why, and there is no fear like fear for your child. Finally, after a few days of major drama and trauma, we find out one of his dear pals had decided to put some distance between himself and my son, in the mercurial and Darwinian way that only 10-year old boys can.

Cue clip from “The Sandlot.”

This may surprise you, but I don’t consider myself one of “those moms.” I don’t mean the moms that show up at school looking perfect in their Lulu yoga pants and Uggs, or running clothes and visor coordinated with their ponytail, walking the family dog and never spilling their adorable mug of still-hot coffee the whole 2-block walk to school. Although I’ve seen those moms from far away, when I’m peeling out of the parking lot having shoved my kids out of their booster seats 20 minutes late with no lunch or jacket when it’s pouring rain and I’m cussing out the crossing guard as I dial my cell phone with one hand and apply mascara with the other.

I mean a mom who fights for her kid; who gets up in people’s grills when I think my child is being treated unfairly or not being understood and supported as needed.

I prefer to think of myself as much more rational and fearless than I actually am, and have been known to tell myself –and my kids– that they can deal with their issues all by themselves.

I often recall –and retell– how my parents, when faced with a discrepancy between my version of events and the version told by any adult even remotely connected with said event, sided with the adult. I point to this as evidence that learning to align oneself with the authority figures in one’s life will lead to happy endings for all involved.

But then I remember the famous quote from John Wilmot: “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories”, and I realize I grew up in a different time. And what worked for me — even for some kids today — even what works for one of my children — may be the absolute worst direction to head with another. The world is different today, and the educational system is a prime example.

But I digress. My point is that I had to admit this week– at first grudgingly, then with increasing equanimity- that I am one of those moms. A mom who, despite feeling excruciatingly self-conscious and intimidated, speaks up and asks for help for her child when he needs it. Who speaks for him when can’t speak for himself. Who stands with him when he stands alone, and who picks him up and dusts him off when he falls.

And let me tell you, it is so much less glamorous, and so much more humiliating, than I had ever imagined.

But after viewing this talk by Dr. Brene Brown, I had a much better understanding of what self-leadership looks like through the lens of a parent-child relationship. The talk is not about parents and children, though; Dr. Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. I’d say just about everyone can relate to that.

I share this with you in hopes that it will remind you of the importance of leaning into your own discomfort as you lead yourself, give you permission to seek what you and those who depend on you need most, and help you to allow yourselves to be seen.

May you “tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”

Lead Your Life.

Samwise and Self-Leadership

I’m pretty sure everyone knows by now about my totally hetero-appropriate CEO-crush on Naomi Dunford. Anything good you’ve ever seen on TMP can probably be traced back to her and her influence. Naomi is so good, not only did she have a big part in bringing all of these elements to fruition, but she is way nicer than you would ever expect or believe before meeting her in person.

Don’t tell her I said that or she’ll cuss me out.

While I was sitting around eating peanuts and lining up the guest posters over the last few months, Naomi wrote a blog post called: “Viral Marketing, the Hero’s Journey, and, Naturally, The Lord of the Rings.”

Yes, she does teach people how to write catchy headlines.

In her post, she encourages those of us with content (a.k.a. a message) to share to remember that we are like Frodo, the hobbit in LOTR, meant to share what we have to share even if we aren’t 100% positive that people will like it. Take the risk, go forth, be a hero.

Now, my response. Number 1, I heart LOTR. Like, lots. Not like in the intense I go to conventions and speak elvish and wear leaf jewelry kind of way, but in the lines from the book/movie go through my head all day and I regularly tell myself “this is just like that time when Gollum tried to frame you for stealing the lemba” and other pep-talk-like encouragements. I show clips from the movies in talks and messages all the time, and, drum roll please: I named one of my sons Samuel and yes we do call him Samwise. All the time.

It’s not that I disagree with Naomi. I think her post was great, it just—and this is unusual for Naomi—doesn’t go far enough. What I mean by that is that she tells us that we are like Frodo, but she leaves out the fact that Frodo doesn’t do what he does on his own. Not any of it- not one single solitary bit does he accomplish solo.

In fact, the real hero of the LOTR trilogy in my opinion, is not Frodo but the one and only Samwise Gamgee. This is what I am reminded of so powerfully everytime I call my son by his name or tell anyone what his name is. I call to mind that truth that we are not alone, and that beyond that we actually need others to do what we are supposed to do on this planet. No one succeeds by themselves. Not truly.

I’ve talked about friendship before- here and here and here.

But what Sam and Frodo have is something different; it’s something at once more specific and more customized than friendship. It’s mutuality of purpose. It’s a commitment on a level that is deeper than most of us have with more than a few people at one time or season in our life.

It’s like I say to my clients: You are not paying me for my friendship. You are paying me to push and pull you in the direction that you need to go. This is a fundamentally different kind of covenant.

I’m reminded of that scene in Return of the King when Sam and Frodo are almost there—they’re almost at Mordor, so close to returning the ring after having gone through so much together. It’s one of the last scenes that shows Sam and Frodo really near the end of their journey, but it is unclear if they are near the end because they are about to give up in defeat, or because they are about to suceed with their mission. It begins with Sam talking to Frodo about their memories of the shire, and ends with a new resolve.

Frodo is lying flat-out on the ground, so weak he can barely move or speak. Sam leans over him tries to inspire him with stories of their home at the Shire, memories of when they lived there; the green grass, and the taste of strawberries. Frodo confesses that he barely remembers what strawberries are. Sam begs Frodo to get up, to move himself along just a bit more until they get to where they need to go and they can finish their quest. But Frodo is done. You can almost see the white flag waving above his head, and you think it’s all over.

But of course it’s not, because 1) this is an epic tale of the hero’s journey, and of course it has a happy resolution, and 2) it’s the movies, for the love.

What actually happens next gives me chills no matter how many times I watch it. Sam stands up and declares to Frodo: “I hate this ring, I hate that we’ve had to carry it so far and so long, and I want to get rid of it. I do.

“Then let us be rid of it. Once and for all. Come on. Mr. Frodo. I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you. Come on.”

And then he picks Frodo up and puts him on his back and carries him.

Samwise believes in what Frodo could become and accepts the challenge to identify, nourish, and release the life in Frodo. He poured out what was deepest and truest and noblest within him into the soul of Frodo. He loved Frodo well.

Like Sam and Frodo, we are all on a journey together. Let’s remember that we are all fighting the same battle. Let’s walk the path and fight together.

May the blessing of elves and men and all free folk go with you.

Lead your life.

How Underwear makes you Self Aware

I know what you’re thinking. That’s not a title you see every day.

But I am getting ready to talk about this and this at a place I love tomorrow, and it’s reminded me of how important the little things are.

Like what kind of underwear you’re wearing.

If you know me well or have been coached by me, you’ve probably heard my reminder that on “those” days; days when you’re nervous or anxious or insecure, or just feeling a bit unstable—you should wear the fanciest, most expensive, best pair of underwear you own.

I say that because I am a firm believer in the power of knowing something others don’t know. We’ve all experienced the painful side of this truth; when others keep knowledge from you that could be helpful to you, and you recognize anew that information is power.

Wearing underwear that only you know about is like having your own secret weapon, which levels the playing field in your mind.

And that, my friends, is where the battle is won.

Does it have to be underwear? No. It could be a special piece of jewelry, lucky socks, even a tattoo. But underwear works.

And what you say to yourself when you are wearing cool underwear…………is powerful.

The fancy underwear is really just the beginning. It’s like the gateway drug to operating at your highest level of influence. Believe it or not, it helps make you more self-aware, which is the best way I know to begin leading yourself.

An important element of self-leadership is what is called in counseling circles “self-challenge.” Self-challenge takes motivation and courage, because it requires the discomfort of acknowledging that what you’ve been doing so far isn’t working. It means clearing out self-defeating negative thoughts and substituting more self-enhancing positive thoughts. Examples of such thoughts are: “I’ll never be able to find another satisfactory relationship”, or “This experience is more than I can bear;” or “This is just one more event that proves how inadequate I really am.”

Statements such as these are usually based on deeply entrenched beliefs about one’s adequacy and control that are developed over a lifetime. Hence,, they are difficult to change. It is possible, however, to change some of this negative thinking and and consequent self-defeating behavior through a 5-step process.*

In addition to wearing special underwear:

Step 1) Remind yourself that you are in control of your life and that this control includes your thoughts.

Step 2) Seek awareness of what you are saying to yourself through rigorous self-examination questions like: “What am I telling myself that is making me upset?” Being clearly aware of the self-message is the beginning step. To make this real in your life, write down two messages you have given yourself this past week that were self-critical and had self-defeating results.

Step 3) Examine those statements for flawed or distorted reasoning. For example, do you exaggerate by using words such as “never,”  “always,” or “every”? Do you overgeneralize by drawing a false conclusion from one small incident? How well do your perceptions of events align with those of others who were there?

Step 4) Now set about about restructuring or reframing the negative statements in Step 2. For example, a reframing of the first illustration above might be “Even though it will be difficult for me to leave this relationship, I will probably find others in the future.” Note that this statement doesn’t just exaggerate in the opposite direction, but allows for more nuanced possibilities.

Step 5) Keep trying. Changing your deep-seated thought patterns takes effort and practice. Don’t give up.

The most important person you listen to all day is you.

Whatever you say to yourself is a web of words you spin to your benefit or harm, but you are always listening to your voice.

The point is not whether we talk to ourselves or not, the point is what we say and how we say it.

Now head over to Victoria’s Secret.

And lead your life.

*Adapted from The Helping Relationship; Process and Skills; Brammer and Mac Donald, Allyn and Bacon 2003.

It’s a Marathon, not a Sprint…or is it?

Everywhere I go these days, I’m asked about New Year’s Resolutions. Seems they’re sticking around a bit longer this year. I’m cool with that, as long as we don’t end up putting our faith in them. I know, this is the part where you shove your chair away from your computer, grab your hair, and shriek: “WHAT IS GOING ON?”

It’s true, I’ve always claimed an aversion to New Year’s Resolutions, on the grounds that life is longer than a resolution, no matter how sincere or well planned. I have long believed that New Years Resolutions set people up for failure much more than for success. I’m not about to blow that off now.

And yes, in the past I have encouraged you to view commitments or decisions with a long view; more as marathons and less like sprints. That was good advice at the time. However, I have recently been thinking that it’s time for a different approach.

What I’ve learned from putting together  the products I told you about last week-- and what I want to recommend now —allows for you to sprint all you want.  And, it mandates that you allocate recovery time after every sprint, to get back in the place of health and to prevent burnout and all the terrors that come with that.

Essentially, I want to encourage you give your all to a certain short-term project and then rest, recover, and renew.

For example, think about the energy of a sprinter after one of their races compared to a marathoner after one of theirs. At the end, the marathoner looks like they’ve been hit by a truck, while the sprinter looks like they could go again in a few minutes. This difference could be in the fact that the sprinter gets to see the goal in front of them the whole time they are running, while the marathoner can’t see 26 miles out. The discipline makes a difference, sure, but what if you could coach yourself into turning the marathon into a bunch of sprints? What you can see the finish line all the time?

I’m confident that if you look at this next year, this coming adventure–as a series of sprints, you will have no trouble making the time to be able to give your all for short bursts. You will train for it, focus on it, give yourself over to it, and “leave it all on the track”.

But, as you have also found to be equally true: when you’re done, you’re done.

I’m convinced that the key to your success in 2011 will be your ability and commitment to building plenty of “Quality Recovery Time” into your schedule.

When you live your life like a marathon, you’re running as fast as you can for as long as you can on disposable batteries. And when those batteries start to run down, something is going to need to get disposed of – your health, your relationships, your integrity, your work, your equilibrium, your faith…the list goes on.

I found out recently that even marathoners (at least the top marathoners) practice primarily through interval training – bursts of intense activity followed up by periods of slower activity and/or complete rest. And these periods of oscillation – from high activity to low activity/recovery time to high activity to low activity/recovery time – not only allow you to sustain high performance, they actually enhance and enlarge your capacity so you can perform better and better over time.

Stu Mittleman, the long time world’s record holder in the 1000 mile race, applied a sprinter’s mentality to competing in his ultra-distance races. Here’s how he described his strategy for a six day race where the winner is measured by the maximum distance covered in a six day period of time in his own words:

“I will walk for the entire first hour of each five hour segment. The next hour, I will run, followed by another one hour walk, another one hour run, and finishing with a third and final one hour walk.”

Mittleman repeated these five hour segments four times a day, sleeping for the final four hours of each day. The result?

At the end of the first day, bottom third.

At the end of the second day, bottom third.

At the end of the third day, middle of the field.

At the end of the fourth day, third place.

At the end of the fifth day, second place.

At the end of the race, he and the ultimate winner crossed the finish line together.

The point is this: You can do a lot more than you ever thought you could (and you can do a lot already) in an even shorter period of time– IF you’re willing to build a routine designed around periods of intense activity followed by periods of quality recovery time.

• We now come to the first self-leadership exercise of 2011.

1. I’d like to challenge you to first identify the activities that you would like to be able to give your all to in the coming months but are concerned about the toll it might take on your health, relationships or other areas of your life.
2. Then, design a “sprinting” routine that will be sustainable for a fixed period of time. Make sure the project has a finish line, and that each unit of activity is balanced out by an equal and opposite period of rest and recovery. Know that you will probably have to adjust your routine as you go, but never increase the intensity or duration of your activity without also increasing the quality and duration of your recovery time.

You’ve always known what lies within you.  Feel your feelings, trust your strengths, and make the wise choice.

Oh, and don’t forget to lead your life.

Fair Warning

Over the past few weeks, I’ve alluded to some big changes coming for TMP. Since I hate drama, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Here’s the dealio: In 2011, TMP will be making some tangible resources available to help you advance in self-leadership. 

As much as I love e-mailing and coaching and twittering with so many of you, I cannot always be available to everyone who wants help at the exact time that they may think that they need it. So, we at TMP have put a few things in writing; stuff that will eventually become resources you can pull out and reference in the future . For those days when you need a little nudge back towards the path of self-leadership, but it’s 3:34 a.m. and you’re pretty sure I’m asleep. Or that I should be.

The first thing you’ll see in the next month or so will be TMP’s first e-book. It’s called “The Way Forward” (yes that is a picture of the cover). The subtitle is “an open letter for anyone still figuring out what the hell to do with your life.” I started writing it after yet another meeting with a recent college graduate who was bemoaning the mind-numbingly boring entry level job she had scored immediately after graduation. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she said to me: “I can literally feel myself getting dumber with every piece of data I enter.”

As soon as that conversation ended, I came back to my office and just started writing. I wrote everything I had said to her, everything I still wanted to say, everything I wished I’d said, to her and to you and to so many others. My passion for you poured out into those pages, and many of those words and ideas later showed up as blog posts here at TMP. We’ve taken a bunch of those concepts and teachings and bundled them into this e-book, and the result is something I think you’re really going to like and more than that, hopefully use and feel encouraged by.

We’re also working on an updated Moxy Assessment Map (MAM), that will help you drill down into specific elements of self-leadership in your life. And, I’m finishing up a white paper about self-leadership in the workplace, as well as a new piece describing what I do for organizations that contact me for more group consulting work, versus the personal coaching that I did almost exclusively last year.

In the next few months, I’ll also be asking you guys what else you want/need to help you grow in self-leadership in 2011. I’ve been given several suggestions of things that you all would find helpful; everything from doing videos on the blog to interviewing former clients to creating materials in more of a workbook format, with specific self-leadership exercises that can be followed and tracked. I’d love to know how you feel about all those, because GOD BLESS AMERICA creating products is a HUMONGOUS GIGANTIC  METRIC TON of work and I will need to remember your voices crying out in the wilderness for guidance when I’m awake at 3:34 a.m. writing stuff I think no one will ever read.

I want you to know that I got A. Lot. of advice about creating products when I started working on the projects I’ve described above. Apparently, I’m not the first person to think of writing down what I say and do so people can have it for themselves and look at it anytime they want. I learned a tremendous amount—much more than I ever want to know, actually–about how the whole selling shiz on the interwebs works. Many , many people made clear to me what they thought I should do, how I should do it, and how much I should charge you for it. I spent a long time overanalyzing thinking about what my purpose was in putting this kind of stuff out there for you, and I have come to a place of clarity and resolve regarding this new day at TMP.

And I’ll tell you the conclusion I came to about that next week. For now, I want to close by asking you to think about what kind of content you are contributing to the world (or, more specifically, to the world wide web). Is much of what you give primarily narcissistic, as in you post pictures from your family vacation to Facebook? Status updates about how impressive your dinner/party/road trip/children are?

Or are you creating something with your life and time; something truly original in the sense that it came from you, and that no one but your particular self could have come up with it?

Are you putting a theory out into the world that may not be fully tested, but which inspires us to think about what could be?

Are you taking a risk by sharing something not yet totally formed or developed but that you want shared more than you want credit?

Are you thinking about what is possible rather than what is deniable?

Think about those things. Take some time–even a few minutes– and apply yourself to producing something totally yours.

A poem.  A meal.  A letter.  A picture.

A playlist.  A bucket list.

A decision.  An answer.  A question.

It doesn’t as much matter what it is as it matters that you do it.

Lead your life.

Thanks For The Memories

Well, finally, it’s done. What an amazing series! A dozen posts from some truly impressive guest bloggers to close out 2010.

I must confess, back when I started this little “experiment”, I never thought it would last this long or lead to so many great things. I just knew I needed some time to FINALLY finish an e-book I’d been working on for over a year, and to get some head space to think about what to do next.

Someone once told me: “If you have a blog [and you write regularly], you will think about it every single day that you have it”, and boy were they right. For the most part, that has been a good thing, as over the past year I have been able to refine what I think self-leadership is, what it looks like and how it works, and most importantly, how to get better at living it out. But sometimes it has felt like all I can do in a given week to write 1000 words about it. Just like any commitment, the discipline of blogging is not always an easy one to keep.

This break has been constructive in reminding me of why I started blogging in the first place. I wanted a way to connect with you, my friends B.B. (Before Blogging) as well as all those I have met and communicated with since beginning to blog. And I seriously could Nev. Er. have imagined the awesomeness that is you people, my favorite readers. Thank you for all of your comments and e-mails and tweets and facebook messages and posts……they are like an invisible army of good feelings and power and purpose that walk with me on this journey. I’ve missed our chats.

I’ll have plenty to say in the weeks to come about some new ideas and directions for TMP. And yet, it feels weird to just be moving on without some acknowledgement of the magnitude of work that each of our guests have done. I feel like these people came and visited my house while I was gone, and they cleaned it and fixed it up and decorated it and made it WAY BETTER than it was before, and then I come back and there is just no way I can act like the place is exactly the same.

So, Lesley, Amanda, Jeff, Anna, Pema, Erica, Lori, Adam, Siouxzie, Roy, Katz, and Sarah, THANK YOU.

Thank you for challenging us, for giving us things to think about, to laugh about, to wince about, to pray about. All I asked you to do was write 800-1000 words on a time in your life when you exercised self-leadership, and each and every one of you hit it absolutely out of the park.

Through your generous and candid writing, each of you has demonstrated some of the most essential elements of self-leadership. I don’t want to forget or overlook these, as TMP continues to build and grow. These key elements are like touchstones of what TMP is really all about, in helping people lead themselves where they want to go.

As I enter the new year and get ready for all that 2011 brings, I’m taking with me at least 5 things that my guest posters have shown me.

Item # 1: Depth. A client said one of my all-time favorite quotes to me a few weeks ago. She said: “I want to keep getting narrower and deeper, not wider and weaker.” So. Good. And these guest posters went deep, every time. Thank you, Roy, for the reminder that we need the poor more than we think. And thank you Adam and Lori and Sarah, for not letting me get away with living a superficial life. I need that encouragement to focus, to not apologize that I can’t be all things to all people all the time, that boundaries and limits are not just good but necessary, if we are to do what we are meant to do as well as it is possible to do it.

Item #2: Community. I dug how Lesley drew others in with her classic narrative of “one woman’s struggle.” The comments on her piece were evidence of the nerve that she hit by referencing the community of women who are married and/or mothers. Even Anna’s yoga class was not only acknowledged but venerated as a valuable instrument. You guys know how much I like to beat the drum of “known and not alone”, and it honestly gives me goose-bumps to think about how we all lived this out by hearing and respecting one another’s stories.

Item #3: Humor. Y’all cracked me up! And not only are you able to see and comment on what is funny about life and situations, but you are able to direct your humor at yourself, and get us to smirk at your split-into-committees-brain with you (Amanda), your precious distractions/essentials of life (Jeff), and at your mantra, which is my personal motto for 2011: “Scramble or die” (Pema). I’m so grateful that none of you take yourselves too seriously, but that you definitely took your message seriously and weren’t afraid to sacrifice your ego for the sake of it. Comedy is immensely healing as well as freeing, and TMP is about those things as well. Way to bring the funny.

Item #4: Honesty. Everyone I asked to do a guest post said yes. Initially. Then, a few just couldn’t get theirs done, for whatever reason. But rather than limit the numbers, that phenomenon opened me up to lots of other possibilities of people and writing that I would not have considered before. Originally, this whole guest-blog enterprise was supposed to be short; like 4 weeks.  But it literally tripled in size because people kept coming to mind that I thought would have great things to share. I’m so glad we expanded the tribe. Some of those later additions were some of the most open and straightforward pieces of writing that I’ve ever seen, on any blog. The willingness of this group to take risks and to own their individual narratives was incredibly significant. It’s not always easy to write about heartbreak or identity or growth or loss or conflict, but you all did it with grace and ease.

Item #5: Courage. True self-leadership begins and ends with having the guts to stand up and name what is shaping your soul. While we may not all be going through such severe crises at the moment, you can be sure I will remember Erica’s words the next time I grieve, or a friend grieves. (In fact, I already recommended her post to someone who recently lost a dear friend.) When I feel frustrated that I can’t make someone I love do what I want, Emily’s wise words will echo in my head. Times I’m tempted to doubt whether my choices to save my family further pain are not a bit too extreme, I will think of Souxzie. And I will take courage. The word courage comes from the French word “Couer”, meaning heart. May all of our hearts be made strong in 2011.

I honestly cannot imagine anyone who could have demonstrated these 5 elements better than these twelve guest bloggers. What a gift. Thanks for taking the risk and for leading yourself to guest post. You inspire me!

Come back next week for more on the coming changes to TMP. Until then, keep kicking 2011 in the face.

Lead Your Life.